Licensed marriage and family therapist Jack Burke joins the Morning Report to talk about his least favorite issue when handling relationships.
Watch the video above for the full interview.
Jack Burke:
This topic is one that gets me, the kind of stuff that gets under my skin.
We all have many personal traits, some are just quirky, others can be a problem. There is one personal trait that causes long term damage to a relationship that results in sadness and loneliness in one of the spouses. That trait is being cheap …stingy. It's one of those things that gets worse over the years. It may begin simply with money issues, but eventually includes stinginess around touching, words, kindness, and even smiles.
I'm not talking about being frugal or thoughtful. Two people who decide to tighten their belts and get rid of a debt or save for that down payment can still love and have fun. Interesting note….the person who is not stingy, but is generous in the relationship, gets forgiven more often by everybody…as in... He loves that motorcycle more than me…or She won't balance the checkbook, BUT..he/she has a heart of gold…would give you the shirt off their back.
In the stingy relationship both spouses suffer….it becomes a failure to thrive relationship.
So, how do we fix this?
1. This is hard. It has to be confronted, not tolerated. Most non-stingy spouses try for years to find the magic formula…(like work a second job to pay for fun). The stingy person needs to be confronted with the effect of their behavior…"I feel lonely when there's no conversation." ( I message)
2. Don't accept excuses from the stingy spouse! "I just hate wasting money"…"I never was talkative". Non-stingy spouse, you have to stand your ground and say, "So what are you willing to do about it?"
3. All mammals require play. The non-stingy spouse needs to find ways to laugh and play. AA has 12 traditions…I like #11 which basically says ..always work from attraction, not marketing! The non-stingy spouse has spent years begging and strategizing (that's marketing)…choose to live your life…set a good example.
Stinginess darkens everything it touches….A generous heart brings out the sun!