Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jack Burke says the second most frequent question he has dealt with in his many years in practice centers around affairs. From the perspective of the person who cheated, the question is, "How can I fix this?"
Burke says, "Most of us make mistakes in judgement, but we are not criminals or psychopaths. The typical offender operates under the delusion that they'll never be caught, so what's the harm?"
Getting caught is a wake-up call.
"If your partner is willing and you really want to save this relationship, you will have to adopt a more mature and responsible attitude," Burke says.
He says the offending partner has some work to do to repair the damage:
1. The first challenge is forgiving yourself, which is usually the hardest. ACCEPTING that you are just another imperfect human whose behavior hurt another is a big step.
2. Keep validating your partner's anger. Timing will typically be lousy. It'll show up right when things are going great or after a great day. That's normal, so keep your focus.
3. An affair is a symptom. You could have chosen drugs, gambling, alcohol etc. But you chose to have an affair. After your partner's anger subsides, however long that takes, you both have to confront the conditions that allowed that symptom to develop.